not ready to give up

written by alison

Last night I almost gave up my business, my label as an entrepreneur, my focus for the last 5 years. I was moments away from opening up a new Word document to create a new resume and start looking for a j-o-b.

After one of the most relaxing vacations possible, I got home to a pile of fires and an unfortunate situation that was going to cost me $1,300 just for leaving tiny blue orange in someone else’s hands. And all I could think was “if I can’t leave for 2 weeks without chaos ensuing, what’s the point?!”

So I cried, I said dramatic things, I labeled myself a failure and I curled up next to my support system for the last 5 years — Jeff and Brutus. (Pixel too, but she’s only been around for the last 2.)

We didn’t say much at all, just watched some TV that would cause smiles, eventually making our way to bed at a very geriatric hour.

While laying in bed, I wrote myself a letter (see below). The words flowed so easily you wouldn’t have known my eyes were swollen from ugly crying and my head was throbbing from the stress of it all. I was kind to myself, something I’m not normally. I was an ally for myself, something I’m not known for. I was realistic about how long fixing this would take, a skill I haven’t quite figured out.

I say all of this not to have a pity party — as fun as those can be when feeling like a lost cause. I say all of this because I know for a fact I am not alone in these feelings. And I’m not just talking about the struggle to run a business, I’m talking about life in general. As I browsed instagram this morning, my bestie posted an inspiring blurb about similar feelings, which inspired me to share my experience too.

And today is a new day. A new day that I am excited about. A new day that I will be taking at a leisurely pace.

I am struggling big time. I’m not sure why or how, but this feels like quicksand. I don’t have a plan. I don’t have a clue. And my only out is nuclear. Deep breaths and sleep, that’s what I’m ordering.

Get your head on first, then brainstorm. This is all 100% solvable stuff. It just feels like it isn’t because it’s not an instant fix. And for some reason, time feels like your arch nemesis at times. I don’t know why, but it is one of those times.

You aren’t alone. You aren’t impossible. Find your center in this chaos and it will be there for you always. Even if your center is journaling obscenities and drinking hot cocoa every day.

No matter what happens, you have inspired others. You have made a difference. But I really believe you aren’t done yet. This hurdle is just bigger than you are used to. Take a deep breath and see how big the hurdle feels tomorrow.